The new “button”?

I was born in the mid ‘50s with some memory of what it meant to “duck and cover”. On one of the three main TV channels, black and white info-mercials showed students no older than 5th grade dutifully and simultaneously stand, bend and duck under their wooden desks to safely shield themselves from the on-coming fallout of an atomic bomb. I remember President Kennedy telling everyone that Cuba and the US might start a nuclear war in a few days. People went out and bought supplies, dug shelters and stared at their TV’s while they waited for someone to “push the button” and we would unitedly “duck and cover”.

I remember sitting in our back yard fort playing the card game “war” while eating white Wonder bread coated with butter and sugar, while the adults watched day one of President Kennedy’s funeral. The silence of that somber day was shattered when my Dad hollered “OH God, come look! Someone just shot Oswald”. There seemed so many moments when everyone on the planet stopped breathing – and collectively stared at the images unfolding in front us. In the span of just five years, we saw the murders of JFK, RFK and MLK and Malcom-X. I was amazed to learn that even with only 3 TV channels, the news of President Kennedy being shot reached around the globe in less than one hour; the amount of time it took him to die.

Almost 50 years later, one wouldn’t think the power of these images would have some sort of fallout in the cells of my psyche - but they do. When my central nervous system was fried by a drug (Lariam) --- prescribed by my doctor to prevent malaria as I traveled in India – I spent two weeks in a hospital hallucinating that a nuclear war was eminent and President Clinton only had 7 days before another country “pushed the button”. It was the Cuban missile crisis all over again, in what my mind thought was “real” time.

But just as in the children’s story, when the Velveteen Rabbit asked the rocking horse: “What is Real?”…..it can be hard to answer this question as we each weed through gigabytes of communication and lack of communication. Especially today, when we can easily & instantly be effected world-wide with the push of a precarious new button: “SEND”.

We are no longer only effected by a few powerful men who clumsily could not even communicate via phone with one another during the Cuban missile crisis….trying to help one another not push ANY button, let alone THE button. Today, the voice of any and every person can not only be heard, but be given the power to change the world in an instant. This new power, like any power, carries good and bad. Take the falling of Middle East countries (The Arab Spring).... passionately started by one man lighting himself on fire, sparking the fall of Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Syria, and others. Take the Sept 11, 2012 riots and murders in Libya, planned by terrorists, but potentially fueled by one person who maliciously made a video/movie on YouTube spewing hatred towards Muslims by denigrating the prophet Mohammed.

Being literally bombarded by technology and hundreds of messages and images sent to our In-box, Out-box and Text box – I have a hard time deciding if we are connected or disconnected by the deluge of mindless and mind-blowing information. There is almost too much to hear – causing us to dangerously no longer listen to one another. We each have the potential to help or hurt. It truly comes down to just that. So what will we each decide to do every time we hit “Send”? Are we adding to the problem or the solution?

I try to take time to disconnect from the technological outside – so I can connect to the Divine that is inside – and listen. Just listen. Asking for the guidance to come in each next thought I think, each next word I speak, especially before talking to thousands of others with the push of a button. This button might be “new” – but the power we each have to make a difference is ancient. As I submit this, and hit “Send” – I hope these words connect with you, that we might all take responsibility for every thought we think, every word we speak and every message we send.

Difference / Non-difference? Gender / Non-gender?

We can easily become tangled up in “differences” and in what people call being “politically correct” -- especially when it comes to gender issues and sexuality. I like trying to be non-political and not compete over who is correct, but I tend to fall all over myself when I walk that fine line. One day, a child made it all perfectly clear.

It started when I had a wonderful day being gifted with the chance to play basketball with my best friend Frank (a male in his 60’s), myself (a female in her 50's) and Frank's new friend, Brady (a boy barely in his 10's). I decided to sit on the sidelines and happily watch these two buddies play together. At one point, Frank asked Brady – “can Doreen play too”? I was patiently and quietly invited in. We played openly and easily to our hearts content – each of us, very good at what we were doing!

Later that day we visited Frank’s mother-in-law in a long term care facility to celebrate her birthday with family and cake. Before eating, we decided it was a good time to go to the restroom and wash up. Brady, myself, and Brady’s mom headed down the corridor. As we walked together, Brady asked me “are you a boy or a girl”?

When a public question of gender comes up --- a lot can happen! Surprise, confusion, shock, wonder, embarrassment and maybe in this moment, mom was even wondering “what happened to all the social-graces conversations we’ve been having”? But all of this would be us as adults...thinking like adults. Trying to responding to all of the above from that place of "the middle way", I easily asked Brady “is it hard for you to tell because I’m so good at basketball”? But then I thought, “what a smart thing for him to ask...especially on the way to the restroom”. To this day, I can’t remember his response, but I let him know that I was a female just as we all began to enter the women’s room together.

What happened next internally for me was quiet and celebratory at best. I thought “what a great compliment”! It felt to me that Brady was experiencing and expressing a concept I heard Ru Paul describe on an NPR podcast the previous day. He explained how gender can be boundless versus binding. He described opportunities in every moment to wander and wonder through a place of consciousness that is non-defined, seamless and seem-less! (Paste link below)
http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=146283441&m=146283432

I wondered if the intelligent child in Brady easily recognized some sort of balanced point, some sort of fulcrum gender-less middle place between male and female in me that was undefined. The Buddhists use the term “middle way” and "Bardo" (the place in between) – to describe some sort of assemblence of what I am trying to say. If that was the sense and place that Brady spoke from, it was indeed a great compliment. And maybe he was just trying to see that if I was male, it would be a chance to go to the men’s room together, instead of the women’s room with mom. Which ever it was, it was lovely to be in that in-between place that childs-mind can give us. Either way or neither way --- it was a gift.

They tell me, that youth today who are traveling though sexuality issues and discoveries, tend to not care for words that describe people as gay, non-gay, trans or bi. Instead they say “this is where I am right now”. I find that so gentle and wisdom filled - just like Brady. Being in and speaking from that middle-place, that “just right place”, helps me remember the Desiderata concept that each of us “is a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars -- we have a right to be here”…..and even more happily a right to
just ---- Be!

The Sanctity of Marriage: What IS that?

What a loaded question! I witness people twisting and turning on both sides of the aisle, be it a court room aisle, church aisle, or the great divide of opinion isle. For the longest time I proudly and righteously sat on my side of the fence in this debate. Now, I find myself just waiting for all of us to catch up with what I think the ancients might have meant by the sanctity of anything…including marriage and perhaps even the art of dialogue.

In the midst of clearing out my "Not-in-law's" home, (...I’m not allowed to legally marry...)
I came across a beautiful piece of art work. It was the marriage certificate of one of our family elders that seemed to capture the honor in the words “sanctity” and “marriage”. It is a picture of a joining that is guided, that anyone can sense, when invoking the sanctity of Love within, Love together and a Love beyond; something unlimited, unbiased and inarguable:

I keep trying to get down to the basics, the bare bones, the simplicity of anything we can all agree upon – something common like: the respect of differences, the decency of each person or just the act of “allowing” sanctity to happen. Even the word "in-laws" to denote the parents of our partner, seem to organize the concept of marriage by the world of law - not the world of religion. So,today as I find myself wanting to put thoughts to paper, I feel like a student wanting to see what the dictionary might offer. I felt silly doing so, but I'm so glad I checked:

++++
sanctity: holiness, sacred or hallowed character; a sacred thing

marriage: the legal or religious ceremony that formalized the decision
of two people to live as a married couple.

++++

I noticed the word "or" between the words "legal" and "religious". I thought that was good. There were no defining or dividing pronouns used, I thought that was even better! Then, I was blown away by the next two entries:

a. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. Antonyms: separation.
b. a similar institution involving partners of the same gender: gay marriage. Antonyms: separation.

Granted, this came from dictionary.com -but- what a sign of inclusive,whole-hearted thinking -and- so........un-sanctimonious!

Call me crazy, but when I hear people say the words “sanctity of marriage”, I start to feel that this delegated concept of marriage is actually.....unconstitutional. The First Amendment offers all of us freedom of religion –AND- free from religion. People forget that BOTH these options are a gift to be honored and protected. Our government must not “establish” any form of religion. If it did, then someone in leadership would be able to decide and dictate that we must all practice Islam in America. Not a bad idea in my opinion – but that is just what it is ---an opinion! We should " thank God" for the fact that you or I can have or not have that opinion, or practice whatever belief we want without someone putting any of us in jail or "heaven forbid" consider someone satanic or deviant…or even more horribly: different than us!

I hear people talk about the separation of Church and State. I again recognize the importance this concept allows everyone. No part of government can dictate the terms of religion, the divine, or the sanctity of anything for any citizen or group of citizens. When people try to determine who can and can’t marry (interracial couples, disabled people, immigrants, gays or whomever is on the list)…..and then state we must preserve the sanctity of marriage……I begin to day dream that our common humanity would see a conflict of interest and kindly choose to separate their religious convictions from their civil rights. I image them announcing that all who are currently married are now “unmarried” in the sight of law and instead must file for civil unions if they wish to combine incomes, pay taxes and receive government support. THEN, if they wish to sanctify their marriage --- feel free to exercise their freedom to do so in the church, mosque, temple or open-air hilltop meadow of their choice.

Don’t get me wrong, just as my elder’s piece of art work invokes – I DO see the sanctity in two people choosing to love one another for life; for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to honor and protect – to be the guardians of the children they bring into this world….and to invite and invoke that their commitment be blessed by the Sanctity of a Love that guides. I see no sanctity in deciding who can and cannot participate in the gamut of ways to experience, express, or share this amazing responsibility. If we could and would allow one another this gift --- that would be a true act of Sanctity.

Life & Death: The non-boundried Bardo

I had a chance this week to look death in the face. My cell phone voice mail carried a message from work, saying my in-home client would not live through the night. I turned my car from the direction I was heading, to the direction of her home, to visit one last time. As I knocked on the door, a new team of high level care-giving nurses (strangers to me) answered the familiar door. The nurses were kind and gentle. You could tell they knew how to dance in, around and through the stage play of death and dying.

I identified myself to them as one of the care-givers for the woman inside their current care. They quietly let me in with a knowing and inviting smile. I took off my coat, put it on the same chair I always did and entered the very different atmosphere that filled the living space with a non-familiar vibration of death. I entered the bedroom and gazed upon the body that was now almost empty of persona. There was a softness all around that seemed to balance the heavy grey toned palate of her skin. Ninety seven years of life, was now coming to a quiet end. My greeting to her seemed to float across an invisible wavelength, as if the tones approached her ears, bounced off, and traveled through the air, like water soaking into a sponge.

This was a body cloaked in a veil that was invisibly draped between us. Nothing seemed "real". No borders or edges defining this place, no metronome tick, tick, ticking to define this time and space. I leaned in close and said my hello and goodbye with an assured level of happiness and joy from both sides of the uncommon veil between us.
I whispered her favorite prayer we would say together each night at bedtime. This time the sound and words carried an acknowledged sense of a timelessness I cannot describe.

When I got home, it was all I could do to sit in the experience that none of what we see moment to moment is real. Nothing. Not even the passing of time. Not even the events that seem like beginnings and endings...nothing. Some how, this moment of unreal ending…helped me let go of everything and anything if even for just one moment in the non-time of time.

I sat and looked out my livingroom window – soaking in everything and nothing at the same time. It was still. It was calm. It was life and death holding up what seemed like mirrored hands against one another – creating a still point of existence and nonexistence only a breathe width apart. The Tibetan Book of the Dead talks of the “space in between” life and death as the Bardo. Perhaps for one moment in my life, I caught a sense of that in-between the worlds invisible vibration. Each day living and dying with this client was a gift – even up to the moment we so limitedly call the “last” moment. Today her gift to me was the gift of noticing that which cannot be measured, timed or captured, but only sensed when we each remember to do nothing but “allow”. Just allow.