Before the results, I decided, no matter who won, I wanted to focus on how we ALL got here!
What part do we each play in this deadly game? Who is brave enough to face it, own it, and more importantly not continue to play a part? None of this is new, and to think it is --- adds to the danger. This is human. This is real. This is ancient. We need to call it out. But before knowing how to do so --- we need a calling to go “in”. The Buddhists teach that all emotions originate from either Fear or Love. So, I decided to go on a Silent retreat and try to “listen” and see if could grasp this teaching and if I could trace any and all of my emotions to only Fear or Love.
It was being in the Barn that helped me. On the Center, the Barn is one location that since 1950 has been a place where Silence is constantly maintained. My teacher, Meher Baba, gave many teachings in the Barn – in Silence. One of His teachings was “What is Real – is given and received in Silence.” The Barn has always been my favorite place on the Center. It had been 10 years since I sat in this Silence. This visit, the energy in the Barn was different. In the last year, the Barn was the victim of a violent attack. Two young men drove a golf cart from the beach up to the Barn, broke in, and stole all the equipment used for the rare events when music breaks the Silence. This in itself was difficult, but what happened next – changed everything. Something in the Barn “triggered” one of the men. Perhaps it was one of the quotes on the wall. No one knows. He went into a complete rage, smashing, slashing and demolishing everything.
I spent time with those who’ve spent a large part of their lives caring for the Center, living near the Center and “holding the sacred space” at the Center. To say they were devastated was an understatement. Shock is powerful. It wraps us in its arms, holds us still, and helps us wait. Their stories were about a depth of grief and despair that shakes a person to their core. THEN --- from THAT core center space, come messages we rarely hear. Questions like: “What part of what triggered this man – is in me?” “How do I talk to that part in both of us?” “What will I do when I see him?”
When I first approached the Barn I saw it from the outside – as a woman raped, lying proudly on her side as if lounging in the regalia of rising above pain filled ashes: His pain/her pain begat her Power. She birthed lessons on how to heal. I walked inside. The Silence was not heavy or burdened – it was surreal in how it shined. It beckoned me to listen and learn.
In Silence came the “voice” of Ya’ Rauf, an Arabic word for one of the 99 names for the “All” that is Divine:
“Ya Ra’uf’s inner quality is awakened in a similar manner to the way steel is tempered in the process of making a sword. It is not a passive calm. It faces hostility, slander, and corruption with serenity, while at the same time it has a soothing effect that reaches the very core of the apparent enemy. It is a quiet, gentle, indwelling love that actively penetrates to the deepest and most profound place. This kind of love goes right to the essence of what it truly means to be human. It manifests a peaceful calm, a resting that especially arises in the midst of difficulties and trials. It works to heal the effects of not being seen and accepted by humanity. “ – Physicians of the Heart: A Sufi View of the 99 Names of Allah by Wali Ali Meyer
As I walked outside, as usual, I was drawn by the Trees. They have stood here for more than 100 years. They have “held the space” for so many of us who walk beneath their canopies of caring, and depend on their trunks that stand firm – no matter what! They have watched us, listened to our thoughts, and cared for our souls whether we see them, hear them, or touch them…..they have “held us” for years. I immediately knew it was time for me to embrace them and acknowledge the violence they had witnessed.
Then it came to me – the saplings saw!
This part, I knew well. At age nine I witnessed the domestic violence that caused my mother’s death. As a child-witness I was drawn into a space I can only call “the sapling’s witnessing”. I sensed their pain and knew how to “hold this space”. Fifty years of listening and learning how to heal – noticed – and knew what to do. The Trees, the caregivers and I knew --- that none of us are vastly different than the man who was triggered.
At his core --- he, like us – comes from good. He, like us, knows trauma. But he is blinded and deafened with pain that gets triggered, not yet knowing what else do to. It is from this place of Ya’ Rauf I try to learn how to look, listen and speak to this familiar part that allows a “silent turning” in both of us. It took me 30 years to forgive my father. The “silent turning” happened when I experienced wanting to be forgiven for something that seemed almost unchangeable.
Having sat in this Barn and walked in these woods, it was not hard to trace all emotions back to either Fear or Love. So, how do I take this back into my day to day world with each discussion about politics, or each witness of unjust actions and hate? It is all I can do to listen and catch myself when I am “drawn” in by the familiar pull of communal pain and act out to beat down the noise. What I know is that the “other” will only see and hear me, if they know that I can see and hear them….and from that core of seeing and listening we might both recognize how much we hurt one another, and instead silently turn towards a shared “recognition, owning, and knowing”.
I would prefer not to mention religion or religious teachers…as that can push so many personal buttons – but alas ---- Jesus was good at this type of revolutionary action! I work to be able to come from a place of gentle strength that enables me to say something as effective as “He who is innocent – cast the first stone”. It is this type of power that comes from inner healing that wakens a “silent turning”…. and allows all of us to put DOWN our stones!
