The Sapplings Saw

The week of Thanksgiving 2016 I took a Silent retreat at the Meher Spiritual Center in Myrtle Beach SC. Yes I know, Myrtle Beach and Spiritual Center sound like an oxymoron – but think of it like “poise in the midst of chaos”. Works for me – and it just so happens to be a concept from my Teacher – Meher Baba. On November 9th 2016 we woke up knowing that Donald Trump was to be the next president of the United States. The news came with a sense of overwhelming fear, dread, disbelief, shock, and numbness. I can only compare it to times of personal tragedy. Friends stated it felt like a death, an attack on the soul and heart. Anyone who has been abused, attacked, or suffered trauma, knows what this feels like. Many of us felt the power of that pull….sucking us in…drawing us down. Some gazed at one another in bizarre understanding, that this is not NEW….and why are we surprised? Just ask a black American, a trans-person, an immigrant, a woman.
Before the results, I decided, no matter who won, I wanted to focus on how we ALL got here!
What part do we each play in this deadly game? Who is brave enough to face it, own it, and more importantly not continue to play a part? None of this is new, and to think it is --- adds to the danger. This is human. This is real. This is ancient. We need to call it out. But before knowing how to do so --- we need a calling to go “in”. The Buddhists teach that all emotions originate from either Fear or Love. So, I decided to go on a Silent retreat and try to “listen” and see if could grasp this teaching and if I could trace any and all of my emotions to only Fear or Love.
It was being in the Barn that helped me. On the Center, the Barn is one location that since 1950 has been a place where Silence is constantly maintained. My teacher, Meher Baba, gave many teachings in the Barn – in Silence. One of His teachings was “What is Real – is given and received in Silence.” The Barn has always been my favorite place on the Center. It had been 10 years since I sat in this Silence. This visit, the energy in the Barn was different. In the last year, the Barn was the victim of a violent attack. Two young men drove a golf cart from the beach up to the Barn, broke in, and stole all the equipment used for the rare events when music breaks the Silence. This in itself was difficult, but what happened next – changed everything. Something in the Barn “triggered” one of the men. Perhaps it was one of the quotes on the wall. No one knows. He went into a complete rage, smashing, slashing and demolishing everything.
I spent time with those who’ve spent a large part of their lives caring for the Center, living near the Center and “holding the sacred space” at the Center. To say they were devastated was an understatement. Shock is powerful. It wraps us in its arms, holds us still, and helps us wait. Their stories were about a depth of grief and despair that shakes a person to their core. THEN --- from THAT core center space, come messages we rarely hear. Questions like: “What part of what triggered this man – is in me?” “How do I talk to that part in both of us?” “What will I do when I see him?”
When I first approached the Barn I saw it from the outside – as a woman raped, lying proudly on her side as if lounging in the regalia of rising above pain filled ashes: His pain/her pain begat her Power. She birthed lessons on how to heal. I walked inside. The Silence was not heavy or burdened – it was surreal in how it shined. It beckoned me to listen and learn.





In Silence came the “voice” of Ya’ Rauf, an Arabic word for one of the 99 names for the “All” that is Divine:
“Ya Ra’uf’s inner quality is awakened in a similar manner to the way steel is tempered in the process of making a sword. It is not a passive calm. It faces hostility, slander, and corruption with serenity, while at the same time it has a soothing effect that reaches the very core of the apparent enemy. It is a quiet, gentle, indwelling love that actively penetrates to the deepest and most profound place. This kind of love goes right to the essence of what it truly means to be human. It manifests a peaceful calm, a resting that especially arises in the midst of difficulties and trials. It works to heal the effects of not being seen and accepted by humanity. “ – Physicians of the Heart: A Sufi View of the 99 Names of Allah by Wali Ali Meyer
As I walked outside, as usual, I was drawn by the Trees. They have stood here for more than 100 years. They have “held the space” for so many of us who walk beneath their canopies of caring, and depend on their trunks that stand firm – no matter what! They have watched us, listened to our thoughts, and cared for our souls whether we see them, hear them, or touch them…..they have “held us” for years. I immediately knew it was time for me to embrace them and acknowledge the violence they had witnessed.




Then it came to me – the saplings saw!

This part, I knew well. At age nine I witnessed the domestic violence that caused my mother’s death. As a child-witness I was drawn into a space I can only call “the sapling’s witnessing”. I sensed their pain and knew how to “hold this space”. Fifty years of listening and learning how to heal – noticed – and knew what to do. The Trees, the caregivers and I knew --- that none of us are vastly different than the man who was triggered.
At his core --- he, like us – comes from good. He, like us, knows trauma. But he is blinded and deafened with pain that gets triggered, not yet knowing what else do to. It is from this place of Ya’ Rauf I try to learn how to look, listen and speak to this familiar part that allows a “silent turning” in both of us. It took me 30 years to forgive my father. The “silent turning” happened when I experienced wanting to be forgiven for something that seemed almost unchangeable.
Having sat in this Barn and walked in these woods, it was not hard to trace all emotions back to either Fear or Love. So, how do I take this back into my day to day world with each discussion about politics, or each witness of unjust actions and hate? It is all I can do to listen and catch myself when I am “drawn” in by the familiar pull of communal pain and act out to beat down the noise. What I know is that the “other” will only see and hear me, if they know that I can see and hear them….and from that core of seeing and listening we might both recognize how much we hurt one another, and instead silently turn towards a shared “recognition, owning, and knowing”.
I would prefer not to mention religion or religious teachers…as that can push so many personal buttons – but alas ---- Jesus was good at this type of revolutionary action! I work to be able to come from a place of gentle strength that enables me to say something as effective as “He who is innocent – cast the first stone”. It is this type of power that comes from inner healing that wakens a “silent turning”…. and allows all of us to put DOWN our stones!

Four Words and a Comma

It’s January in Indiana. We have a saying here “If you don’t like the weather, just wait 20 minutes and it will change. It’s Indiana. You never know.” Sometimes we wonder why we stay here in this “state”. Many times it does not match the weather in our hearts --- politically, spiritually or artistically. But then, all of a sudden our hearts and minds are blown by some unpredictable wind and whim of the “powers that be”; left or right, up or down, for or against --- just wait, it will change; one just never knows when. Indiana made the political “weather” map in 2015 when RFRA was installed into law. (Pronounce Rif-Ra, which stands for the Religious Freedom Reformation Act).

People were weighing in on the consideration that business owners may deny services to homosexuals due to the business owner’s religious belief that homosexuality is a sin --- that homosexuals should not only be condemned, but should not be supported or served by their business. To be “forced” to serve homosexuals would be against their religious beliefs and therefore infringes upon their Religious Freedom provided in the US Constitution.

Big stuff!

Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed RFRA into law.





It’s Indiana – surprisingly…..up came the “perfect storm” on our political, spiritual and artistic weather map! We made National news over and over and over. We looked like a State whose use of fear had literally funneled a storm that spews anger, hate and non-acceptance -- disguised with Hoosier Hospitality that welcomes everyone. Just check out the George Stephanopoulos Sunday news interview with Governor Pence on his reasons for passing RFRA in Indiana.



www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-iOtRlDbzQ


The Indiana Governor and its legislators took the heat from this storm, hearing from the choir of people who also felt the legislation denied people their civil rights and equal protection under the law. The Indiana government representatives then made a non-religious miracle happen in one week.

They changed one line in the legislation…..in ONE WEEK! Big stuff!!!!

If we truly want to take care of one another --- which includes EVERYONE --- then let’s include everyone in the dialogue. Yes, if a person's religion bars them from specific things, then by all means – don’t participate. The Constitution gives everyone their right to “freedom OF religion”. But the Constitution also gives everyone their right to “freedom FROM religion”.
The First Amendment states: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

The government cannot and MUST NOT establish religious standards nor institute religious concepts. This standard runs through the fiber of the Constitution and is not based on “the majority rules” thinking or mantra --- no matter how loud anyone beats this drum! This is one of the ways we monitor and prevent a “mob” mentality. This is the way we honor, include and protect everyone – including the majority AND the minority.

Based on the Constitution, those who support RFRA and are concerned their religious rights are being denied –--- no one is taking any of your rights away from you. If any of the public services requested IS against your private religious beliefs, please DO consider the civil right you have to choose to not run a business, or work a job that offers any of these services to the public. We may not pick and choose who fits and does not fit into “our” concept of public. We can pick and choose our “private” beliefs and choices. Please, DO honor your religious rights privately, but also honor your fellow human beings public civil rights. We all have every right to chose to close our business. We do not have the right to selectively close public doors person by person by person based on our private religious or non-religious beliefs.

The entire RFRA event shines light on the fact that Indiana as an entire STATE does not include Gays, Lesbians and Transgender people in its non-discrimination clause. Each city decides who can or cannot be discriminated against. The State is now considering the addition of four words and a comma to the non-discrimination clause:

---- sexual orientation, gender identity ---

I wonder which way the wind will blow on this one in the midst of this perfect storm. If we remove politics, religion and our focus on rules, thoughts and limitations – we would all know exactly what to do. We all learned it in Kindergarten. Treat everyone with kindness –--- equality.

It’s THAT simple – isn’t it? --- really it IS!

I went to a Sufi retreat a month ago – where we learned dances, music, poetry and concepts from all cultures and yes, from all religions and non-religions of the world. None were excluded. Every SINGLE one was beautiful and brought us together as a group. My favorite meditation was when we imagined beauty, peace and acceptance being given to every single person, animal and part of nature that lives on this communal planet -- EQUALLY. No one was excluded --- not even those we consider terrorists; for as we have seen, each of us carries the power to inflict terror or love. It is that simple and that universal. That same weekend workshop I learned a beautiful Arabic concept/statement “Kayf Haal-ik” --- which asks each of us “what is the state of your heart?” We meditated on this question helping us take measure of our lives, choices and actions we experience every moment, every day.

What is the effect of every thought and choice we make on us and others -- EQUALLY? I ask all of us during next week’s legislative session in Indiana that attempts to add four words and a comma to our non-discrimination clause to FIRST privately consider - “What IS the state of our heart? And THEN to publicly consider --- “What is the heart of our State?”

The Zikr – to Love, Serve and Remember

I attended a Sufi dance retreat this weekend – while I danced the dance I sensed the dance, dancing me.
From the first dance/song: “Why have you come to earth? Do you remember? Why have you taken birth? Do you remember? --- To love, serve and remember.” ---- to the next moment on, I wept tears of joy, tears of sadness, and tears for the sake of tears. Other teachers have said to me “get that longing in your heart --- and remember.” The dance leader spoke of this same Love.

I wondered and listened about this Love and its longing. Its essence came to me when I heard the poem/words: “Where your feet have touched this earth – it is there I lay down my cheek. Knock and be opened.” When I came home I found words from Pema Chodrin that seemed to capture the weekend for me. I share these now and then I head off to soak in the ease, the rest, the peace.

From “Places that Scare You” – Pema Chodrin:

Chitta means “mind” and also “heart” or “attitude”. Bodhi means “awake”, “enlighted”, or “completely open.” Sometimes the completely open heart and mind of bodhicitta is called the soft spot, a place as vulnerable and tender as an open wound. It is equated, in part, with our ability to love. Even the cruelest people have this soft spot. Even the most vicious animals love their offspring. As Trungpa Rinpoche put it, “Everybody loves something, even if it’s only tortillas.”


An analogy for bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic, sometimes to anger, resentment, and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach us great compassion. It can humble us when we’re arrogant and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.

Even ordinary people like us with hang-ups and confusion have this mind of enlightenment called bodhichitta. The openness and warmth of bodhichitta is in fact our true nature and condition. Even when our neurosis feels far more basic than our wisdom, even when we’re feeling most confused and hopeless bodhichitta – like the open sky --- is always here, undimished by the clouds that temporarily cover it.
I found the following link on YouTube ---- it also seemed to capture this weekends “moment”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4I60ZHdx5Og

The new “button”?

I was born in the mid ‘50s with some memory of what it meant to “duck and cover”. On one of the three main TV channels, black and white info-mercials showed students no older than 5th grade dutifully and simultaneously stand, bend and duck under their wooden desks to safely shield themselves from the on-coming fallout of an atomic bomb. I remember President Kennedy telling everyone that Cuba and the US might start a nuclear war in a few days. People went out and bought supplies, dug shelters and stared at their TV’s while they waited for someone to “push the button” and we would unitedly “duck and cover”.

I remember sitting in our back yard fort playing the card game “war” while eating white Wonder bread coated with butter and sugar, while the adults watched day one of President Kennedy’s funeral. The silence of that somber day was shattered when my Dad hollered “OH God, come look! Someone just shot Oswald”. There seemed so many moments when everyone on the planet stopped breathing – and collectively stared at the images unfolding in front us. In the span of just five years, we saw the murders of JFK, RFK and MLK and Malcom-X. I was amazed to learn that even with only 3 TV channels, the news of President Kennedy being shot reached around the globe in less than one hour; the amount of time it took him to die.

Almost 50 years later, one wouldn’t think the power of these images would have some sort of fallout in the cells of my psyche - but they do. When my central nervous system was fried by a drug (Lariam) --- prescribed by my doctor to prevent malaria as I traveled in India – I spent two weeks in a hospital hallucinating that a nuclear war was eminent and President Clinton only had 7 days before another country “pushed the button”. It was the Cuban missile crisis all over again, in what my mind thought was “real” time.

But just as in the children’s story, when the Velveteen Rabbit asked the rocking horse: “What is Real?”…..it can be hard to answer this question as we each weed through gigabytes of communication and lack of communication. Especially today, when we can easily & instantly be effected world-wide with the push of a precarious new button: “SEND”.

We are no longer only effected by a few powerful men who clumsily could not even communicate via phone with one another during the Cuban missile crisis….trying to help one another not push ANY button, let alone THE button. Today, the voice of any and every person can not only be heard, but be given the power to change the world in an instant. This new power, like any power, carries good and bad. Take the falling of Middle East countries (The Arab Spring).... passionately started by one man lighting himself on fire, sparking the fall of Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Syria, and others. Take the Sept 11, 2012 riots and murders in Libya, planned by terrorists, but potentially fueled by one person who maliciously made a video/movie on YouTube spewing hatred towards Muslims by denigrating the prophet Mohammed.

Being literally bombarded by technology and hundreds of messages and images sent to our In-box, Out-box and Text box – I have a hard time deciding if we are connected or disconnected by the deluge of mindless and mind-blowing information. There is almost too much to hear – causing us to dangerously no longer listen to one another. We each have the potential to help or hurt. It truly comes down to just that. So what will we each decide to do every time we hit “Send”? Are we adding to the problem or the solution?

I try to take time to disconnect from the technological outside – so I can connect to the Divine that is inside – and listen. Just listen. Asking for the guidance to come in each next thought I think, each next word I speak, especially before talking to thousands of others with the push of a button. This button might be “new” – but the power we each have to make a difference is ancient. As I submit this, and hit “Send” – I hope these words connect with you, that we might all take responsibility for every thought we think, every word we speak and every message we send.

Difference / Non-difference? Gender / Non-gender?

We can easily become tangled up in “differences” and in what people call being “politically correct” -- especially when it comes to gender issues and sexuality. I like trying to be non-political and not compete over who is correct, but I tend to fall all over myself when I walk that fine line. One day, a child made it all perfectly clear.

It started when I had a wonderful day being gifted with the chance to play basketball with my best friend Frank (a male in his 60’s), myself (a female in her 50's) and Frank's new friend, Brady (a boy barely in his 10's). I decided to sit on the sidelines and happily watch these two buddies play together. At one point, Frank asked Brady – “can Doreen play too”? I was patiently and quietly invited in. We played openly and easily to our hearts content – each of us, very good at what we were doing!

Later that day we visited Frank’s mother-in-law in a long term care facility to celebrate her birthday with family and cake. Before eating, we decided it was a good time to go to the restroom and wash up. Brady, myself, and Brady’s mom headed down the corridor. As we walked together, Brady asked me “are you a boy or a girl”?

When a public question of gender comes up --- a lot can happen! Surprise, confusion, shock, wonder, embarrassment and maybe in this moment, mom was even wondering “what happened to all the social-graces conversations we’ve been having”? But all of this would be us as adults...thinking like adults. Trying to responding to all of the above from that place of "the middle way", I easily asked Brady “is it hard for you to tell because I’m so good at basketball”? But then I thought, “what a smart thing for him to ask...especially on the way to the restroom”. To this day, I can’t remember his response, but I let him know that I was a female just as we all began to enter the women’s room together.

What happened next internally for me was quiet and celebratory at best. I thought “what a great compliment”! It felt to me that Brady was experiencing and expressing a concept I heard Ru Paul describe on an NPR podcast the previous day. He explained how gender can be boundless versus binding. He described opportunities in every moment to wander and wonder through a place of consciousness that is non-defined, seamless and seem-less! (Paste link below)
http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=146283441&m=146283432

I wondered if the intelligent child in Brady easily recognized some sort of balanced point, some sort of fulcrum gender-less middle place between male and female in me that was undefined. The Buddhists use the term “middle way” and "Bardo" (the place in between) – to describe some sort of assemblence of what I am trying to say. If that was the sense and place that Brady spoke from, it was indeed a great compliment. And maybe he was just trying to see that if I was male, it would be a chance to go to the men’s room together, instead of the women’s room with mom. Which ever it was, it was lovely to be in that in-between place that childs-mind can give us. Either way or neither way --- it was a gift.

They tell me, that youth today who are traveling though sexuality issues and discoveries, tend to not care for words that describe people as gay, non-gay, trans or bi. Instead they say “this is where I am right now”. I find that so gentle and wisdom filled - just like Brady. Being in and speaking from that middle-place, that “just right place”, helps me remember the Desiderata concept that each of us “is a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars -- we have a right to be here”…..and even more happily a right to
just ---- Be!

The Sanctity of Marriage: What IS that?

What a loaded question! I witness people twisting and turning on both sides of the aisle, be it a court room aisle, church aisle, or the great divide of opinion isle. For the longest time I proudly and righteously sat on my side of the fence in this debate. Now, I find myself just waiting for all of us to catch up with what I think the ancients might have meant by the sanctity of anything…including marriage and perhaps even the art of dialogue.

In the midst of clearing out my "Not-in-law's" home, (...I’m not allowed to legally marry...)
I came across a beautiful piece of art work. It was the marriage certificate of one of our family elders that seemed to capture the honor in the words “sanctity” and “marriage”. It is a picture of a joining that is guided, that anyone can sense, when invoking the sanctity of Love within, Love together and a Love beyond; something unlimited, unbiased and inarguable:

I keep trying to get down to the basics, the bare bones, the simplicity of anything we can all agree upon – something common like: the respect of differences, the decency of each person or just the act of “allowing” sanctity to happen. Even the word "in-laws" to denote the parents of our partner, seem to organize the concept of marriage by the world of law - not the world of religion. So,today as I find myself wanting to put thoughts to paper, I feel like a student wanting to see what the dictionary might offer. I felt silly doing so, but I'm so glad I checked:

++++
sanctity: holiness, sacred or hallowed character; a sacred thing

marriage: the legal or religious ceremony that formalized the decision
of two people to live as a married couple.

++++

I noticed the word "or" between the words "legal" and "religious". I thought that was good. There were no defining or dividing pronouns used, I thought that was even better! Then, I was blown away by the next two entries:

a. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. Antonyms: separation.
b. a similar institution involving partners of the same gender: gay marriage. Antonyms: separation.

Granted, this came from dictionary.com -but- what a sign of inclusive,whole-hearted thinking -and- so........un-sanctimonious!

Call me crazy, but when I hear people say the words “sanctity of marriage”, I start to feel that this delegated concept of marriage is actually.....unconstitutional. The First Amendment offers all of us freedom of religion –AND- free from religion. People forget that BOTH these options are a gift to be honored and protected. Our government must not “establish” any form of religion. If it did, then someone in leadership would be able to decide and dictate that we must all practice Islam in America. Not a bad idea in my opinion – but that is just what it is ---an opinion! We should " thank God" for the fact that you or I can have or not have that opinion, or practice whatever belief we want without someone putting any of us in jail or "heaven forbid" consider someone satanic or deviant…or even more horribly: different than us!

I hear people talk about the separation of Church and State. I again recognize the importance this concept allows everyone. No part of government can dictate the terms of religion, the divine, or the sanctity of anything for any citizen or group of citizens. When people try to determine who can and can’t marry (interracial couples, disabled people, immigrants, gays or whomever is on the list)…..and then state we must preserve the sanctity of marriage……I begin to day dream that our common humanity would see a conflict of interest and kindly choose to separate their religious convictions from their civil rights. I image them announcing that all who are currently married are now “unmarried” in the sight of law and instead must file for civil unions if they wish to combine incomes, pay taxes and receive government support. THEN, if they wish to sanctify their marriage --- feel free to exercise their freedom to do so in the church, mosque, temple or open-air hilltop meadow of their choice.

Don’t get me wrong, just as my elder’s piece of art work invokes – I DO see the sanctity in two people choosing to love one another for life; for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, to honor and protect – to be the guardians of the children they bring into this world….and to invite and invoke that their commitment be blessed by the Sanctity of a Love that guides. I see no sanctity in deciding who can and cannot participate in the gamut of ways to experience, express, or share this amazing responsibility. If we could and would allow one another this gift --- that would be a true act of Sanctity.

Life & Death: The non-boundried Bardo

I had a chance this week to look death in the face. My cell phone voice mail carried a message from work, saying my in-home client would not live through the night. I turned my car from the direction I was heading, to the direction of her home, to visit one last time. As I knocked on the door, a new team of high level care-giving nurses (strangers to me) answered the familiar door. The nurses were kind and gentle. You could tell they knew how to dance in, around and through the stage play of death and dying.

I identified myself to them as one of the care-givers for the woman inside their current care. They quietly let me in with a knowing and inviting smile. I took off my coat, put it on the same chair I always did and entered the very different atmosphere that filled the living space with a non-familiar vibration of death. I entered the bedroom and gazed upon the body that was now almost empty of persona. There was a softness all around that seemed to balance the heavy grey toned palate of her skin. Ninety seven years of life, was now coming to a quiet end. My greeting to her seemed to float across an invisible wavelength, as if the tones approached her ears, bounced off, and traveled through the air, like water soaking into a sponge.

This was a body cloaked in a veil that was invisibly draped between us. Nothing seemed "real". No borders or edges defining this place, no metronome tick, tick, ticking to define this time and space. I leaned in close and said my hello and goodbye with an assured level of happiness and joy from both sides of the uncommon veil between us.
I whispered her favorite prayer we would say together each night at bedtime. This time the sound and words carried an acknowledged sense of a timelessness I cannot describe.

When I got home, it was all I could do to sit in the experience that none of what we see moment to moment is real. Nothing. Not even the passing of time. Not even the events that seem like beginnings and endings...nothing. Some how, this moment of unreal ending…helped me let go of everything and anything if even for just one moment in the non-time of time.

I sat and looked out my livingroom window – soaking in everything and nothing at the same time. It was still. It was calm. It was life and death holding up what seemed like mirrored hands against one another – creating a still point of existence and nonexistence only a breathe width apart. The Tibetan Book of the Dead talks of the “space in between” life and death as the Bardo. Perhaps for one moment in my life, I caught a sense of that in-between the worlds invisible vibration. Each day living and dying with this client was a gift – even up to the moment we so limitedly call the “last” moment. Today her gift to me was the gift of noticing that which cannot be measured, timed or captured, but only sensed when we each remember to do nothing but “allow”. Just allow.